Del Mar Couple & Sex Therapy: Differentiation Pt. 5: Tolerate Pain for Growth

So far we've talked about how important it is to differentiate in relationships: 1) develop a strong sense of self,  2 )self-soothe (manage your own anxiety), and 3) manage your reactivity (don't overreact and take things personally).  The 4th way to develop self in intimate relationships is to Tolerate Pain for Growth.  But why would anyone want to tolerate pain?!  Here are a few good reasons:

*  in order to grow as an individual or in relationships you will inevitably endure painful experiences, thoughts and feelings
*  tolerating pain for growth leads to hot sex! When you understand that you must continue to grow and push through uncomfortable situations in order to have great sex you will be willing to tolerate pain for growth
*  a person who doesn't push self to grow loses a sense of who they are.  Many of my clients talk about how it feels like they were dying inside when they refused face pain
*  facing tough choices, tough issues and managing painful, intense feelings is a great thing to role model for your children

But the choice is always yours...it's very hard - I know.  Do you fear pain and change?  Or do you learn to tolerate and expect there will be pain - so you can grow and live a fulfilling life and relationship?

Del Mar Couple & Sex Therapy: Differentiation Part 4 - Manage Reactivity to Your Partner

Differentiation is central to developing a sense of who you are and is central to developing intimate, successful relationships. Differentiation is made up of 4 points of balance (Schnarch, 1999) - 1) developing a sense of self, 2) learning to self-soothe, 3) not reacting to your partner's reactivity, and 4) tolerating pain for growth. This blog discusses how managing reactivity (#3) is so important for healthy, hot sex and for developing intimacy in relationships.
Why is managing your reactivity so important to developing a better relationship - and so key to having a better sex life?
* if you can control your reactions (control yourself, not your partner) it frees you up to react from the best part of you - i.e. to say/do what you really want to say/do on your best day

* when we react we are letting others/situations control us

* we need to manage our reactivity so we can get close - in proximity to our partner and to be more intimate with our partner. If we are always reacting to feelings and letting our feelings run the show we wouldn't be able to tolerate intimate or hot sex. Our nerves would get the better of us...

Here's a situation that might illustrate these points: A woman wants to be more sexually adventurous. Her husband suggests they meet up at home when the kids are at school. She agrees and the following day she arrives at home and finds some lingerie on the bed with a note. It's from her husband and the note says, "I can't wait to tear this off you!" Her initial reaction is, "I don't have the body for this. How could he expect me to wear this? It's always what he wants!"
A person who manages their reactivity would say, "(deep breath...) ok, am I missing the point here? I am insecure about my figure but I'm working on it. I want to push myself because I really do want to be more adventurous. He may want this but I want it too!"

A person reacting on feelings might say, "I can't believe this! No one is going to make me do something I don't want to do! He's gonna laugh at me anyway."

Managing reactivity is hard - very hard, actually! But pushing yourself to grow and differentiate isn't easy. You have to ask yourself if having more intimacy and better sex is worth the risk.
So, take 10 deep breaths, take a minute, and think your way through those tough, intense feelings!

Del Mar Couple & Sex Therapy: Differentiation Part 3 - Self-Soothe for Better Sex!

During this 5-part series we've been discussing differentiation - our ability to balance our drive to be autonomous and our drive to connect. Remember, differentiation is a lifelong process of personal growth - and relationships are what push us to grow. We've also discussed the 4 points of differentiation, or 4 points of balance (See Dr. David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage or Intimacy and Desire). Sense of Self is the first point of differentiation - knowing yourself and your values and holding onto them in spite of great pressure to change is critical to lasting relationships and good sex! The second point of differentiation is the ability to Self-Soothe:

* Self-Soothing is the ability to calm your own anxiety (or any intense emotion)
* Self-Soothing can involve use of coping skills such as deep breathing, progressive muscle
relaxation, and other ways to manage anxiety - but is essentially self-talk in the midst of high tension in the relationship or internal turmoil
* Self-Soothing helps you 'hang in there' when things get tough in a fight or in the relationship
* Self-Soothing can create better sex - it helps you hold onto yourself when you might get anxious (e.g. when you have to tell your partner what you like or don't like in bed, it helps you let your partner see you, really see you, during sex, it helps you have the courage to go outside your comfort zone to try something new).

These are just some of the ways self-soothing helps in relationships and during sex. For more information see the above books by Dr. Schnarch or go to his website crucible4points.com. Also, ask yourself this week how you self-soothe when times get tough (or when you are experiencing anxiety related to sex)
Take care -and push yourself out of your comfort zone while you self-soothe, Dr. Sandoval

Del Mar Couple and Sex Therapy: Differentiation - Developing a Solid Sense of Self is Sexy!

Becoming a more differentiated person makes you better as an individual and better in relationships. Differentiation is a lifelong process of personal growth - and relationships are what push us to grow. One major factor in differentiation is Sense of Self. Sense of self is:
* Knowing who you are and being able to accept influence from others
* Having a sense of what you value and what's important to you
* Who you are does not change based on who you are close to. You stay solid in spite of great pressure from those around you.
* Maintaining a solid sense of self can be very difficult in relationships because those we love will pressure us to to do what they want. This is a normal process of relationships. But truly differentiated people can maintain a sense of self in spite of this pressure.

Having a solid sense of self is sexy because knowing who you are frees you up to get close to someone without anxiety overwhelming you. Self-confidence brings a willingness to try new things, to push your limits (even if you are uncomfortable) and to validate yourself (e.g. to say to yourself "Yes, I'm hot!"). This translates into great sex!
Ask yourself, "What do I do when I feel pressure in relationships to conform to what they want?" This question is a great place to start in your development of sense of self.
Here's to a more solid sense of self!
Jennifer

Del Mar Couple Therapy: Schnarch's Differentiation - How to act from the best in you P.1

This will be part 1 of a 5 part series on DIFFERENTIATION and how it can help improve your sense of self, how you are in relationships and life in general (oh yeah, and your sex life, too!).

Since my first post I have been talking about Dr. David Schnarch, his books, and his differentiation approach to couple and sex therapy. But what exactly is DIFFERENTIATION and how can it help in so many ways?

A general definition: Differentiation is balancing two of life's driving forces: our need for attachment and intimacy with another and our need for individuality, autonomy, and our need to chart our own path. When these two forces are in balance a person is able to have more intimate relationships. Schnarch says differentiation is relational - it is not individuation which is more about being an individual and separating. It also involves knowing self and what you value and taking a stand. Having integrity is key - even when you are the only one "looking." BUT differentiation involves being able to do all this in close proximity and close in terms of intimacy with someone very important to you (partner, children, parents). I have so many clients or friends (and have experienced myself) who say, "I feel great when I'm alone. I know who I am, what I want. But then I become another person when I'm in a relationship." Differentiation is being able to maintain a sense of self and be in a close intimate relationship. If you are not in a romantic relationship you can work on differentiation in other close relationships such as children, friends or parents. One more important note: Differentiation is a lifelong process - you don't just work on it for a year and then expect to be done. Well-differentiated people know this already.

There are 4 Points to differentiation that will better flesh out this complex life philosophy:
1) Solid Sense of Self, 2) Managing Anxiety (Self-Soothing), 3) Managing Reactivity (even when partner is reactive), and 4) Tolerating Emotional Pain for Growth. Just imagine how relationships can be without any of the 4 Points of differentiation and you can see how critical they are to success in intimate relationships. Imagine your sex life without the presence of any of the 4 points and you can see how important they are to having a great sex life. Anxiety in bed is NOT SEXY! But don't worry if you are feeling embarrassed because you know you need work in all these areas - you are NOT ALONE! Remember differentiation is a process - and we are all struggling at some stage or another.

Next time we'll discuss Point #1 - Solid Sense of Self. But for now, think about where you might need the most help (a BIG first step!). For more on Differentiation see Schnarch's Passionate Marriage or really any of his reads. Or visit crucible4points.com

Please consider following this blog if you want to improve your relationships and sex life!

Thanks, Jennifer

Best Website for Couples and Sexual Issues!

Dr. David Schnarch writes interesting and informative articles for couples and therapists looking for up-to-date information - and information that sets him apart from the rest of the field. He focuses on self-confrontation ('how can I change the things that I can control in order to improve my self and relationships') and differentiation ('I am a separate person within an intimate couple. I don't own my partner. I know myself and can manage my emotions in order to be the best I can be in an intimate relationship') which is very different from traditional couple therapy that tends to focus on just attachment or communication problems. The website is full of free info as well as ways to connect with other couples.

If you have Sexual Difficulties - Sex Therapy Books

I wanted to clarify something from my last blog about couple therapy books - books to definitely read if you want to improve your relationship. The book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch Ph.D. is also critical if you have sexual difficulties - or if you just want to have "electrifying sex" or "wallsocket sex" as he puts it. Another must read by Schnarch that specifically discusses low sexual desire is Intimacy and Desire. Check it out at http://desirebook.com/
Again, Happy Summer Reading! Jennifer