Del Mar Couple & Sex Therapy: Differentiation Part 4 - Manage Reactivity to Your Partner

Differentiation is central to developing a sense of who you are and is central to developing intimate, successful relationships. Differentiation is made up of 4 points of balance (Schnarch, 1999) - 1) developing a sense of self, 2) learning to self-soothe, 3) not reacting to your partner's reactivity, and 4) tolerating pain for growth. This blog discusses how managing reactivity (#3) is so important for healthy, hot sex and for developing intimacy in relationships.
Why is managing your reactivity so important to developing a better relationship - and so key to having a better sex life?
* if you can control your reactions (control yourself, not your partner) it frees you up to react from the best part of you - i.e. to say/do what you really want to say/do on your best day

* when we react we are letting others/situations control us

* we need to manage our reactivity so we can get close - in proximity to our partner and to be more intimate with our partner. If we are always reacting to feelings and letting our feelings run the show we wouldn't be able to tolerate intimate or hot sex. Our nerves would get the better of us...

Here's a situation that might illustrate these points: A woman wants to be more sexually adventurous. Her husband suggests they meet up at home when the kids are at school. She agrees and the following day she arrives at home and finds some lingerie on the bed with a note. It's from her husband and the note says, "I can't wait to tear this off you!" Her initial reaction is, "I don't have the body for this. How could he expect me to wear this? It's always what he wants!"
A person who manages their reactivity would say, "(deep breath...) ok, am I missing the point here? I am insecure about my figure but I'm working on it. I want to push myself because I really do want to be more adventurous. He may want this but I want it too!"

A person reacting on feelings might say, "I can't believe this! No one is going to make me do something I don't want to do! He's gonna laugh at me anyway."

Managing reactivity is hard - very hard, actually! But pushing yourself to grow and differentiate isn't easy. You have to ask yourself if having more intimacy and better sex is worth the risk.
So, take 10 deep breaths, take a minute, and think your way through those tough, intense feelings!