Del Mar Couple Therapy: Schnarch's Differentiation - How to act from the best in you P.1

This will be part 1 of a 5 part series on DIFFERENTIATION and how it can help improve your sense of self, how you are in relationships and life in general (oh yeah, and your sex life, too!).

Since my first post I have been talking about Dr. David Schnarch, his books, and his differentiation approach to couple and sex therapy. But what exactly is DIFFERENTIATION and how can it help in so many ways?

A general definition: Differentiation is balancing two of life's driving forces: our need for attachment and intimacy with another and our need for individuality, autonomy, and our need to chart our own path. When these two forces are in balance a person is able to have more intimate relationships. Schnarch says differentiation is relational - it is not individuation which is more about being an individual and separating. It also involves knowing self and what you value and taking a stand. Having integrity is key - even when you are the only one "looking." BUT differentiation involves being able to do all this in close proximity and close in terms of intimacy with someone very important to you (partner, children, parents). I have so many clients or friends (and have experienced myself) who say, "I feel great when I'm alone. I know who I am, what I want. But then I become another person when I'm in a relationship." Differentiation is being able to maintain a sense of self and be in a close intimate relationship. If you are not in a romantic relationship you can work on differentiation in other close relationships such as children, friends or parents. One more important note: Differentiation is a lifelong process - you don't just work on it for a year and then expect to be done. Well-differentiated people know this already.

There are 4 Points to differentiation that will better flesh out this complex life philosophy:
1) Solid Sense of Self, 2) Managing Anxiety (Self-Soothing), 3) Managing Reactivity (even when partner is reactive), and 4) Tolerating Emotional Pain for Growth. Just imagine how relationships can be without any of the 4 Points of differentiation and you can see how critical they are to success in intimate relationships. Imagine your sex life without the presence of any of the 4 points and you can see how important they are to having a great sex life. Anxiety in bed is NOT SEXY! But don't worry if you are feeling embarrassed because you know you need work in all these areas - you are NOT ALONE! Remember differentiation is a process - and we are all struggling at some stage or another.

Next time we'll discuss Point #1 - Solid Sense of Self. But for now, think about where you might need the most help (a BIG first step!). For more on Differentiation see Schnarch's Passionate Marriage or really any of his reads. Or visit crucible4points.com

Please consider following this blog if you want to improve your relationships and sex life!

Thanks, Jennifer

Best Website for Couples and Sexual Issues!

Dr. David Schnarch writes interesting and informative articles for couples and therapists looking for up-to-date information - and information that sets him apart from the rest of the field. He focuses on self-confrontation ('how can I change the things that I can control in order to improve my self and relationships') and differentiation ('I am a separate person within an intimate couple. I don't own my partner. I know myself and can manage my emotions in order to be the best I can be in an intimate relationship') which is very different from traditional couple therapy that tends to focus on just attachment or communication problems. The website is full of free info as well as ways to connect with other couples.

If you have Sexual Difficulties - Sex Therapy Books

I wanted to clarify something from my last blog about couple therapy books - books to definitely read if you want to improve your relationship. The book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch Ph.D. is also critical if you have sexual difficulties - or if you just want to have "electrifying sex" or "wallsocket sex" as he puts it. Another must read by Schnarch that specifically discusses low sexual desire is Intimacy and Desire. Check it out at http://desirebook.com/
Again, Happy Summer Reading! Jennifer

Two Must-reads for Couple Therapy and Sex Therapy

North County San Diego Couple and Sex Therapy Blog by me, Dr. Jennifer Sandoval is up and running again! Thanks for your patience. I'm so excited and have so much to share!

I'm going to start with the basics. Whether you are a couple seeking to improve your relationship or a seasoned therapist there are two seminal books you must read. I also recommend these books for singles who want to be better in any relationship.

The first book is Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Ph.D. (really, ANYTHING by Dr. Schnarch is incredible). He focuses on one very key concept to revolutionizing the way you will be in relationships - DIFFERENTIATION. This book changed not only the way I do therapy but also how I am in relation to self and others. Check it out at:
http://passionatemarriage.com/

The second book I highly recommend is John Gottman, Ph.D.'s 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman is a couple therapy researcher, clinician and Guru! He has been studying and working with couples since the '70's to see what happy, stable couples in committed relationships are doing right. He is also behavioral so there are easy to understand and easy to follow exercises to improve your relationship. Check it out at
http://www.gottman.com/57329/558737/Books-DVDs-and-Workshops/Seven-Principles-for-Making-Marriage-Work.html
Think of this as great summer reading! And I'd love to hear what you think.
Take care, Dr. Sandoval