Del Mar Couple & Sex Therapy: Differentiation Part 3 - Self-Soothe for Better Sex!

During this 5-part series we've been discussing differentiation - our ability to balance our drive to be autonomous and our drive to connect. Remember, differentiation is a lifelong process of personal growth - and relationships are what push us to grow. We've also discussed the 4 points of differentiation, or 4 points of balance (See Dr. David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage or Intimacy and Desire). Sense of Self is the first point of differentiation - knowing yourself and your values and holding onto them in spite of great pressure to change is critical to lasting relationships and good sex! The second point of differentiation is the ability to Self-Soothe:

* Self-Soothing is the ability to calm your own anxiety (or any intense emotion)
* Self-Soothing can involve use of coping skills such as deep breathing, progressive muscle
relaxation, and other ways to manage anxiety - but is essentially self-talk in the midst of high tension in the relationship or internal turmoil
* Self-Soothing helps you 'hang in there' when things get tough in a fight or in the relationship
* Self-Soothing can create better sex - it helps you hold onto yourself when you might get anxious (e.g. when you have to tell your partner what you like or don't like in bed, it helps you let your partner see you, really see you, during sex, it helps you have the courage to go outside your comfort zone to try something new).

These are just some of the ways self-soothing helps in relationships and during sex. For more information see the above books by Dr. Schnarch or go to his website crucible4points.com. Also, ask yourself this week how you self-soothe when times get tough (or when you are experiencing anxiety related to sex)
Take care -and push yourself out of your comfort zone while you self-soothe, Dr. Sandoval